Photo Credit: Carrie Cullen Photography

“You are really still talking about Ben? He died like, what, four years ago? Are you really still sad?”

Yes, yes, and yes.

It has been four years, four years lasting and lethargic and all-too-quick at the same time. My mind has still not even fully wrapped itself around the cold hard fact that my brother killed himself, let alone have I gotten over it. It turns out, as folks who have lost loved ones know, I will never get over it.

Forever A Different Human 

I was reborn on November 11, 2014. Since that day, I have lived life from a different perspective. I will never again be the carefree, happy-go-lucky girl I was before that day. I know, it sucks, right?! The effort it takes to be that version of me now is great, and insurmountable some days. On the days I don’t have the energy to be that version of myself, I live through my new, melancholy, more serious self. Booooo! And this is just one way I am forever changed. To the point, Ben’s decision to end his life will have an affect on mine for the rest of time.

“But things seem to be going so well- you’re newly married and the business seems to be going well! Focus on the positive!”

It’s true! I have a lot to be thankful for in my life right now and always. Ben’s death has taught me to be thankful for snuggles on the couch and waking up to a new day with my husband. Each moment I get to spend laughing with my Grandma. I choose to live a positive, happy life. Whatever circumstances we’re dealt, we have the choice in life to decide if we will be defeated by our circumstances or rise from them. I choose to rise. Every. Single. Damn Day. Until I get tired, and then I allow myself to rest for a while.

Distract + Rise, Rest + Repeat 

I have been happily distracting myself and focusing on positive things for months now. Not the best display of healthy coping skills, but the truth, and what you’ve likely been noticing. I planned my ass off for our wedding…even though I really, really disliked wedding planning. I rocket-launched into a new photography business model was able to serve many happy clients.

I chose to rise every day. These are the things we do as survivors… we survive. And I like to be extra, so I try to thrive in honor of Ben and live my life to the fullest. I didn’t want to be sad about Ben on the happiest day of my life. I wanted that day. I don’t want to be sad about Ben every day of my life, so I am not. But, this is a tiresome road. It is okay and necessary to take a break at times, to allow the sadness, thoughts of Ben -good and sad- and remember him.

As the anniversary of Ben’s death and winter approaches, I am forced to remember to allow myself to hibernate and reflect about Ben and my life in general more frequently. It’s good to be back writing again.

Xoxo,
C