Photo Credit: Carrie Cullen

After feeling increasingly overwhelmed, anxious and sad yesterday, I had to do something. I left work and had to do everything I could to hold it together on my walk to the gym. I was too busy. I was busy at work and with wedding planning. Busy trying to figure out what my business will shape into. Busy trying to concentrate on learning and practicing mindfulness and meditation. Busy doing anything to not have time to think about how sad I was. Until yesterday when my body and subconscious had enough.

I journaled at the beginning of February when I was feeling this same overwhelming anxiety. What came out along with the ink on the pages was sadness about my brother Ben’s suicide and absence in my life. I missed him, wondered what he was up to, how he was. I applauded myself for journaling when I was really down and sad and moved on, wanting to bypass delving deeper and continuing to feel so sad.

So, for a month, I avoided sadness, or so I lied to myself I was. I’ve felt unmotivated and unfocused at work, been sleeping in quite a bit more than usual, not writing or taking photos, not even finding much interest in playing with my new camera I was so excited to purchase. I’ve been going to the gym and staying active, but find myself overeating again.

Lack of concentration. Changing sleep patterns. Loss of interest in activities I love. Anxiety. Appetite changes. Low energy. All sure symptoms of depression.

I am depressed.

I do not encourage self-diagnosis or taking it lightly, but it is important to be aware of the symptoms so if you feel them or notice them in loved ones, you can start a conversation, not diagnose. It’s also important to be able to say those words without fear of the stigma attached to them. I have been working with a professional counselor over the years who I have discussed my depression with.

Yuck! Who wants to talk about that? Let alone say it out loud, and about ourselves! Well, I do. Because a lot of us feel depressive symptoms at one point (or many), but we don’t talk about it. It’s hard enough a topic, and it’s like we’re not allowed to be depressed in our culture. I can’t imagine walking down the hall at work and having my least favorite conversation and say how I am actually feeling…

“Hi, how are you?”

“Good, how are you?”

”Depressed.”

And just continue down the hall. Boy, would I get some really odd looks.

Photo Credit: Carrie Cullen

There is a time and a place to share. And it’s not in the hallway with Bob from accounting. It is in a safe environment with people that you trust who care about you. My place to share is here. And now. And always. And this space is open and I welcome you to share, too.

My time and place was also last night as Matt and I crawled into bed on date night. He picked up his thick Harry Potter book ready to dig in when I told him I was sad. He said, “Yeah” looking at me with his hand on his book still. I not-so-eloquently asked him if we could talk (aka told him to put the damn book down when I say I’m sad… needless to say I’m working on letting Matt know what I need from him).

I was able to talk through how I continue to be shocked at how my subconscious knows when a birthday or holiday is looming. No matter which approach I try- open, knowing and ready to feel sadness over the holiday season, completely oblivious to an approaching birthday- I cannot avoid the deep feeling that comes with those times.

I talked about how frustrated I am that I have to be sad at different points (and throughout) the year. I didn’t do this. It wasn’t my choice. It feels like I have to be responsible for the choice Ben made. I have to forever deal with the repercussions that came from that choice. That seems shitty. Sad and depressed are not characteristics I would associate with my fun-lovin’, free-spirited personality. But now they are forever a part of me.

It was really helpful to have that conversation. Even though I had to feel intensely sad and cry through it, I feel much lighter now that I have. As much as I wanted to avoid being sad, it was worth it.  I released myself from my overwhelming anxiety by allowing and feeling the emotions that were bubbling inside of me. On this second day of March, with Ben’s birthday on the fifth, I feel ready for what’s to come.

I know I preach it, but sometimes when you are in it, it’s harder to see. If you’ve ever felt like this, just know, you are not alone.

Oh. what a journey this is.

Xoxo,

Carrie