Recently, flashes of your death and the following nullified days have been injecting themselves into my everyday life without approval. During work meetings, date nights and camping trips. I realize this has been long overdue. That I have been keeping my feelings “under control”. Aka, I’ve been ignoring them hoping they will pass. Lol, I know. But it’s worth a try.

Sometimes I am so pissed at you for leaving me in such a difficult situation. Other times I’m happily curious and wondering how you’re doing, how much you’ve changed, what you look like. Sometimes I am angry and curse at you. Others I thank you for being a catalyst for growth in my life. It’s truly fucking insane how complex it is.

Today I write to you with heaviness in my heart that you are not here to roll your eyes at our family when we are arguing about nothing, a dash of anger at your choices, sadness for the state your brain was in and how lonely you felt, lots and lots of love and thankfulness for having you as a big brother and a bit of hopefulness in knowing somehow we are still connected.

For my crew, all my positive thoughts, love, hugs and light to all of us affected by suicide. Anyone struggling in life. Really any and all of you. Because no matter our circumstances, life gets tough sometimes.

Every person and every story is completely unique. I am sharing to let you know, forever and always, you are not alone.

Xoxo, C