Today is Ben’s birthday. Would be Ben’s birthday? Is? He would be turning 32. Or is turning 32, I am not sure.
🎂
Without him here, today can feel the opposite of a celebration. It can feel like a cruel reminder that he is not here and reaffirms, against our wishes, he isn’t coming back. And yes, after 4 years and 4 months, we still catch ourselves saying things like, “Let’s call Ben to see if those dates work for him”.
🤦🏽‍♀️
Important days have been the strangest since Ben left us. Some are absolutely devastating. Some I don’t recall at all, especially the ones right after he died. Some can bring a sense of peace. It really is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.
🍫
I’ll feel an important date looming and get my mental warrior gear on to prepare myself. Then, the day comes and goes and, of course it is recognized, but things happen as usual and I feel silly for being in all of my war garb. The next important date I leave my warrior gear in the closet only to be completely engulfed in emotional turmoil. Like I am in the sea during a bad storm and repeatedly am getting knocked down with every huge wave. You can never predict what you’re going to get.
🧝🏼‍♀️🌊
So how do I prepare for days like today? I’ve learned they’re coming no matter how much I don’t want them to, and I cannot change that. I’ve learned to be mindful of the day, but also try not to wallow in thinking it is going to be horrible, because that is not always true. Today I am feeling a bit light, pretty sad being reminded of Ben’s mind, actions, and last days, and also am reminded of this time he and Mandy came to visit me at college in Eau Claire almost a decade ago to this day. Maybe they came up for his birthday, I don’t remember.
💫
If you see my family or me today, please offer grace and love as we take on this day, unknowing of what will come from it. Today is a good day to offer Ben grace and love, too. If you feel moved to, talk to Ben today, wish him a Happy Birthday and send love to him.
💙
Xoxo,
C