Photo Credit: Carrie Cullen Photography

Reflecting

On occasion, a girl needs a break from social media to allow herself some time to move through emotions of grief. While I have grown since last year when I was comparing my grief journey to learning how to drive, I am definitely still learning to navigate my grief journey. Ben’s birthday is March 5 and my grandpa’s angel-versary and birthday are April 13 and 14, so Spring and changing of seasons can elicit many different emotions for me. Though I am four and a half years out from my brother Ben’s suicide, this season has been a particularly hard one for me to process and move through.

Forget the Stages of Grief

After Ben’s death, I learned about the stages of grief and have used them as a guide to understand and control my grief. I paid close attention to how I was feeling, matched it with a grief stage, and told myself I was moving through the stages. I thought when I got to the last stage I would be done grieving, but that is just not how it happens. As much as I like control, I am learning that I cannot control my grief; my feelings, when they come or how they present themselves. What I can control is my openness to allowing my feelings as they come and not being judgmental when they do. This is and will be a continuous work in progress for me.

Photo Credit: Carrie Cullen Photography

Pain vs. Suffering: Our Role in Grief

I’m learning there are things I am doing that are helpful in grief healing and some that are not. Grief is an extraordinary opportunity to process, learn, grow and heal. I did not see it that way when Ben died, but I do now.

The pain that comes with grief is a natural part of life, but can be extremely difficult to endure. So sometimes, instead of allowing our grief as it presents itself and when it presents itself, we judge it and ourselves. We have thoughts like, “I shouldn’t still be grieving”, or “I shouldn’t be grieving on this happy day or at this happy event”. When we judge our grief, we turn our pain into suffering. We create this unnecessary suffering. By not judging ourselves and giving ourselves grace through our grief, we can avoid suffering. Yes, of course, the pain will be there, and we can work through the pain, but we can try to not exacerbate it by turning it into unnecessary suffering. 

Allowing Leads to Healing

My grief journey over the last four and a half years has taught me that my ability to allow has had the most positive impact on my happiness. This looks like letting go of control and allowing my feelings as they come whenever they come. I am aiming to avoid nailing down and planning specific seasons, days, or events to grieve during.  I am learning that I cannot control when these days or moments will come. One year Ben’s birthday can be filled with grieving, the next year that day may have little effect on me. Allowing is hard work. Really hard work. It means being vulnerable. It means asking for help. It means doing things I have a really difficult time doing. But they are all things I am striving to improve on so I can continue to grow and allow myself the healing and happiness I deserve. And you deserve it too!