I’ve set zero New Year’s resolutions. I was down when I realized I didn’t have any made on New Year’s day this year. I found last year’s resolutions and read through them, and damn, I was absolutely jacked about my resolutions last year! I had a bunch all planned out in categories and written down even before the New Year began. I tried not to compare myself to my over-achieving self last year. I gave myself grace and told myself I could always come up with resolutions. And I have wanted to all week. But I haven’t.

These things alone don’t seem like much of an issue, but the problem is, it is a pattern. I just really haven’t felt like doing anything lately. At all. Even the things I want to do, I am not doing. At first I was irritated I was on the couch with the TV on, but now I feel content with that (which pains me to type, because that is not like me). I’ve thought about hand lettering, taking photos, or writing to help my mood, but each time I come up with an excuse for why I’m not going to.

It is hard for me to notice when I am having depressive symptoms like these. I often I blame my behavior on anything but depression before I take it there. I don’t like the word depression. It doesn’t really go with who I am. Or at least I don’t think it should. But, it does. It is not my choice and it sucks and it is a part of who I am.

As shitty as it is to write those words and realize them, it truly does help talking about it. I mentioned to my mom and dad yesterday how I was feeling and they validated my feelings and said I wasn’t alone. Just hearing that helped me open the door a little bit more to those feelings, and a little bit more to writing this post. I feel a little lighter now that I have acknowledged that I am experiencing depressive symptoms and said it out loud.

Now as I move through my day-to-day life and people ask me how I am, I can tell them “I’ve actually been feeling a bit down lately” instead of saying “good”. I can get more support from them, from friends and family. I can give myself more grace. I can slowly do one thing that makes me feel good, and when I don’t feel like it, allow that too. When you’re feeling down, remember that it is okay to talk about the crappy things too, that is when we need our support systems. I’m over here in your corner supporting you!

Xoxo,
C