PSA: Let’s Allow Our Feelings
January 29th, 2019
Photo Credit: Carie Cullen Photography
The numbing is getting almost intolerable. This month I put myself in a mind-numbing state of almost-constant screen time. I’ve logged so many hours on screens, it’s dizzying. But it’s been doing the job, I’ve felt very little this month. It’s been awful. It’s true what they say, feeling nothing is worse than feeling the bad stuff. So why have I put myself through this all month? Probably because I am angry and stubborn.
To the best of my understanding, the underlying reason I feel so low is, of course, inevitably, as fucking always, linked to Ben’s suicide. And ya know what? I am so sick of being sad about him. I have been conscious and worked through a lot of feelings that I shouldn’t have had to because of his decision. I am over having to revisit those feelings on a regular basis. So, I’ve been rebelling against feeling anything about Ben and his death. Ha, take that!
….But what has that done for me? Who has really “taken that!”? Me. It’s only made me miserable. Ben’s still dead, so he’s not taking it. No one else can feel my feelings for me. It’s only affected me. Shit. So all of this rebelling and stubbornness has gotten me exactly zero steps forward. I’ll tell ya what, it is way more frustrating to realize I feel even worse than I did at the beginning of the month than to do the real work and feel real feelings about Ben’s death.
A PSA to all of my friends moving through grief: remember, as difficult as it is to allow the feelings we may not want to welcome, it is even heavier burden to suppress them. We cannot bury our feelings in hopes to move past them, we must allow. Allow yourself to feel, even (especially) the sad, mad, angry, bad, difficult feelings. Only then can we move forward.
I share this as I am in the beginning stages of coming out of the numbing. I need this message today just as much as the next person. All the love to my crew.
Xoxo,
C
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