Photo Credit: Cherish Alish Photography

A Call in the FedEx Line

It was October 7th and I was in line at FedEx waiting to ship something when I got a call from my doctor’s office. I picked up expecting, as usual, to speak with a nurse. But it wasn’t a nurse. From the other end of the phone I heard my doctor asking how I was doing. I was thrown off and distractedly answered, I was not expecting to hear from her – this was not a normal occurrence.

I was up next in line at FedEx, where the clerk was telling me to please come forward. I was half listening to her while my doctor continued to talk in my ear. I heard my doctor say, “I am so glad we did that ultrasound, we found out you have [indecipherable word] uterus.” I was so frazzled that I couldn’t hear her that I quickly told her it wasn’t a good time and asked if she could call me back. She said she’d give me a call between appointments a bit later and we hung up. 

What just happened?

I walked blankly up to the FedEx counter and put my item down. The clerk’s pleasantries faded from my awareness as I started thinking, what the fuck did I just do?! Why didn’t I get out of the god damned FedEx line and step outside so I could hear what the hell my doctor had to say? And from there, my mind raced into a full on tailspin. ”Well, Carrie, ya fucked that one up. What was she saying about what they found on the ultrasound? Something about your uterus? I bet they found something wrong with your uterus. That’s why doc was calling, she never calls. Oh – my – god. I bet it can’t be fixed. What if it is broken and can’t be fixed? Okay – well, I bet you can’t have babies. Just get used to that fact, how does that make you feel? You can’t have kids.” Yeah, like I said, tailspin, not cute.

Photo Credit: Alex Good Photography

My FedEx drop off that should have taken 5 minutes was now taking 20 and all the while I was worrying about what the hell my doc had said. I was finally done at FedEx and left for home to wait to get a call back from my doctor, making sure my phone was on ring only about a dozen times. I waited what seemed like forever (which was actually a few hours). Side note: if this is sounding a bit frenzied to you, you are absolutely right. If you have been in then world of infertility, you are aware of the frenzied feeling that cam overcome you, and in these moments I was being overcome by that feeling. It is a very intentional and difficult thing to stay out of the frenzied lane while navigating infertility.

Learning The Issue

Finally, my doctor called back. We exchanged pleasantries again and she mentioned, again, that she was so glad we did the ultrasound. I mentally prepared myself. She went on to explain that the ultrasound found I have something called a septate uterus. This means that instead of my uterus being kind of oval shaped, mine has muscle tissue in a triangular shape creating a dip at the top of my uterus. So instead of an oval, my uterus is shaped more like a heart. 

She went on to tell me more and more details and I scribbled down what I could as quickly as I could. As I was scribbling, I was wondering in the back of my mind, okay, what does this mean? Can this be fixed? Get to it, lady! I could feel my heart rate increasing and beating hard in my chest. Please be good news. Please be fixable.

Photo Credit: Alex Good Photography

The Answer We Never Expected

After telling me every other detail imaginable, she finally said something along the lines of, “The septate is likely what is causing your miscarriages. The embryo is likely attaching to the muscular tissue (the septate) instead of the uterine lining and therefore it’s not getting the nutrients it needs to survive. The septate is something that we can remove surgically. Once removed, you will likely be able to go on and carry a healthy pregnancy to term.”

I was in shock. I cried then and I cried writing those words again. I cannot believe it. We learned this the day after our anniversary, the day after I blogged about our recent losses. If I had learned anything on this journey of infertility, it was to not expect answers. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around this. I mean, after our last miscarriage we were told to see a fertility specialist. We had two appointments on our calendar to do just that. I was not expecting an ultrasound, of which I cannot even count how many I have had over the past year, to be an answer to our questions. And for the answer to hold a solution that has brought renewed hope and faith Matt and I (and the world) are needing so much right now.

I see you, I am still here for you. 

To all of my #ttc and infertility friends and family, you are not forgotten. My three angel babies and the process that got me here is not forgotten. I would not be where I am or who I am without the excruciating experiences I have walked through in this life, and the friends and family that have helped me through them. You are on my mind and I will do my best to share sensitively while staying true to my story. While this is a huge win for us, as you know, I will also share the struggles. I know sharing honestly is how we truly connect.

To friends on this journey, no one will advocate for you like you will, and you must. You need to advocate for yourself. Twice I had inquired with my doctor about checking out my uterus and twice she hadn’t really seen the need. Thanks to a caring and knowledgeable mentor, to all the podcasts I listened to to educate myself, all the family and friends who heard me out when I was frustrated, and to honoring my knowing, I pushed for the ultrasound that ultimately uncovered the likely reason for our infertility. Obviously I was not expecting answers, but to at least to check it out was important to me. To think, we could have gone on to spend all the money to do IVF and we would have come out with the a miscarriage because my uterus still would have been septate. One ultrasound prevented that. This is my story and everyone’s is different, but the point still stands: advocate for yourself, push, and keep advocating.  

As I continue to navigate this process, I will continue to share my experiences honestly to offer reality, hope and togetherness through times when we are feeling perhaps the most isolated and alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you, crew, for allowing this to be a safe space to share and connect. You are never alone. 

Xoxo,

C