Photo Credit: Yours Truly, Carrie Cullen Photography

The Good + The Bad

I woke up to go the the bathroom like I do in the middle of the night every night. Except this time I looked at my phone and it was 5:00 am. I went back to bed, laid down and asked Matt what time he was getting up (on his day off), “5:15” he said. I snuggled up to him and closed my eyes, but was awake when his alarm went off 15 minutes later.

I felt wide awake, like a kid on Christmas morning. It is a familiar feeling of general excitement as I head into a holiday weekend. A few happy, productive hours passed when I found myself crying on my living room couch into my peanut butter and jelly toast. The reality that Lana, my mother-in-law, will not be joining us at the table this Thanksgiving popped into my head, and I was suddenly forced to face the reality I’ve been unable to wrap my brain around since June. She is gone, her seat will be empty at our table. And my happy feelings melted into deep longing and sadness. 

Life is Both

I remember a few years after Ben died when someone said, “It is possible to feel both happy and sad at the same time” and thinking “yeah, right (idiot)”. But since then, I have learned that is so, so true for me. In my happiest moments, I can still feel the sting of sadness that Ben or Lana isn’t here to share it with. And in my darkest moments, when I am in full-on grief mode, I can still find (usually dark) humor and have a laugh (grief friends, you know what I’m talkin’ about). And in the last few years, I’ve realized more and more that life is nothing if not “both”. 

The holidays have a funny way of being “both”; equal parts excitement, warmth and safety and shoving cold-hard facts I’m not ready for in my face. Ya know what I mean? As we approach this holiday, I want to remind you/me that it is okay to feel both happy and sad, both excited and anxious, both jolly and depressed, or some mash up of all of them at the same time. We are complex humans, we have complex emotions. Acknowledging however you’re feeling and honoring that is a good place to start.

How You Doin’?

Feeling the need to sleep in? Great.

Want to wake up early to journal? Onward! 

Feeling like numbing and scrolling on your phone all day? Dew it.

Interested in diving into deep conversations with a loved one? Perfect.

Need to move your body to get out some feelings? Get it out. 

Bundled up all weekend with all the Christmas movies? Yes. 

Whatever you feel, it is right, valid, allowed, and most importantly, not judged by anyone (including, hopefully, you!).  

Sharing is Caring

If you feel moved to, talk about how you’re feeling with loved ones (I’m still practicing this, it is hard). If you feel moved to, shut them out, put on your armor and do what you gotta do. Do whatever feels right for you. What emotions are coming up for you this holiday eve? Feeling excited? Anxious? Ready? Hiding? If you feel moved to, share how you’re feeling to help this little community feel less alone as we head into the holiday. 

Along with my feelings in this post, I felt moved to share the sequence below. It is from a Thanksgiving a few years ago when Lana and her siblings were caught in their natural habitat, being outrageous. It has been titled, Children of the Corn (lol).

Be well crew.

Xoxo,

C