Photo Credit: Carrie Cullen Photography

The Beginning

Looking back, I cannot believe we only knew for 7 days. 

Our entire lives were upended in that week; our future, our budgeting game plan, emails about upgrading to a bigger apartment so our families would have a place to stay when they came to help, is my old car safe enough, how excited we were to be pregnant at the same time as some of our best friends, and how exciting it would be to share the news with them, excitedly planning the details of how we wanted to share the news with our expectant families at Christmas, faux drinking at Thanksgivings, the feeling of butterflies and a suppressed smile at the mention of us having children, doctors appointments, and literally a million other thoughts that had been thoughtfully discussed in detail. And then… 

We miscarried.

Riding a Roller Coaster In Limbo

After some spotting I called the doctor and went to get blood drawn. We finally got a call back saying that my numbers were high enough we should be able to see something on an ultrasound. That was pretty neat to hear, and made it real for Matt I think (even the 3 positive pregnancy tests didn’t do it for him). We were optimistic. But later that day, more spotting, and then more obvious signs of miscarriage followed. I wept all the way home, I wept in the bathroom as I saw more and more of what I knew in my heart to be the start of a new life leave me. 

Exiting the Ride

I believe we are all at the exact place we need to be, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I know we will have a baby when it is right for us. But now I grieve the life that started to grow in me, that changed me, that will always be a part of our story. This is a deep, deep sadness. My heart aches for all of the mamas who carry their babies longer, so much longer, and miscarry. It makes me think of my mama and all the others who gave birth, had their child earth side for years and then lost their child. All my love and thoughts to the many, many folks I know and those I don’t who have walked this path.

Our Stories Are Valid

For the last weeks, I’ve noticed my mind has been working to minimize our loss because we only knew for a week, because we (literally) had just started trying, because so many people have it so much harder, because we’re not sure an embryo even developed- the mind goes on and on. But this is our story, and it is valid, our loss is valid, our feelings are valid. So I share, as I always do, for me and my healing, for all the women who have experienced pregnancy loss or miscarriage(s), to reduce the stigma, and because when we share, that is when the door to true connection opens and we start to feel less alone.

You Are Not Alone

Let me repeat that: You are not alone. So many others walk this walk with you, while all different, we have some level of understanding. There is no shame. A shared story is the essence and power of human connection. If you have experienced pregnancy loss or miscarriage, weather in the last year or 50 years, and you feel moved to, share your loss and the name of your baby (if applicable) in the comments to help show folks we are not alone. Because together is a beautiful place to be.

Much love and light to you and yours, here and in heaven, during this season of life.

Xoxo,

C